What Now?

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This is by far one of the hardest parts about the whole experience, processing how to now move forward.  I was so effected by this experience in ways that have hit me most since my most recent trip, ways that I didn't expect.  I have guilt that I wrestle with since my second journey.  Living in America and spending money with ease, has left me with guilt when I spend money.  In addition, if I travel and its not back to Colombia, I have guilt about that.  I don't speak to my bio family as much, its hard to find time that works for all of us, and when we do say we will Skype they usually are extremely late or don't show up.  Its been difficult.  I don't know when my next trip will be, and I don't know how that will pan out when it does happen.  For now I have to focus on the positive, I met my biological family, I have a great life here in the States, and I am grateful to have this perspective and the experience.

Parting Thoughts

As I sit here on my final flight to Boston, many thoughts swarm my head but mostly the constant reminder that I was given one life and opportunity that I wouldn't have otherwise had.  Sometimes in life we need to be selfish and sometimes we need to let courage surpass fear of disappointing others. We need to embrace the good within ourselves, and we need to value what we ourselves bring to the table...because if we don't on our own, nobody else will.  Sometimes you have to change directions a few times in order to find the right path, the course that just feels right.  Some people will change directions more in the beginning, I am one of those people. A dreamer, now becoming a believer that those dreams can become more of a reality than I had ever thought.  I have learned a lot about myself over the last 5 years, and a lot more in the last 1.  I have a renewed sense that everything happens for a reason, and not to waste one more moment of life on something that doesn't resonate within my soul.  I do not know what the future holds, but I can not live in fear of failure disappointing others.  I am so happy to be going to my true home, with the people that I feel most connected to in the world...my parents.

Reflections

This trip was more of a cultural shock for me.  Last time I stayed with the family, it was every weekend for a few days.  Constantly meeting at malls, and going to do different things.

This trip I was truly living there for a longer period of time. Some things that were difficult for me to adjust to were the following:

They are always late!  If I said we have to be somewhere at a certain time because I made plans, we were always 45-1&1/2 late. No apologies, and no worries.

They stay up super late.

Ham and cheese sandwiches for breakfast...why though?

Not a lot of personal space.

The lack of drinking water, I found that I was constantly dehydrated.

The music is played so loud, and coming from me that means REALLY loud.

Things I will miss:


Family time dancing in the living room just because

Fresh juice every morning

Teaching English to my niece

Last Leg

Julieth and Miguel went to work at 6am, and I woke up to Lola the family dog curled up near me in the bed.  It was unexpected but a welcome surprise.  I finished packing and Magnolia made me breakfast (ham and cheese sandwich) not my forte but I was not going to be rude. I read and then watched a show with my nephew.  Magnolia fed me some beans, rice, and meat before my cab arrived.  I said my goodbyes and went to Gabby's.

Here are some photos I snapped before my departure:

Once at Gabby's I felt relieved, there is no pressure there.  I can be myself and be understood.  We can just hang out and have a great time.  We went to the mall and had some food and bought a ton of coffee for me to bring home.  We spent the rest of the day dying our hair, watching movies, tv shows, and painting our nails. It was perfect. Just easy and fun.  We went to bed at 1am and set the alarm for 4:50am to get to the airport early enough.

A Trip with Some Waves

Last night Julieth invited some of her friends to sleep over before we all ventured to a water park 2 hours outside of Bogota on Sunday.  Julieth and her husband went to his brothers house to drop off Marlon there for the night.  The apartment is quant, and I never slept by myself.  At around 10pm, I mentioned that I wanted to go to bed and for some reason Magnolia brought all of Julieth's friends into Julieth's room, and while I was trying to wind down and go to sleep for over an hour talked loudly and watched tv with all of them.  I eventually went to sleep only to be woken up several times.

I must have gotten 3 hours of sleep, as we had to get up at 5 am to go to the water park.  I felt sick when I got up, sore throat and slight headache. I had hot chocolate and some cereal.

In the morning I told Magnolia and Julieth my plans to leave the next day to go hang out with Gabby. They knew prior that this was the plan but they thought I would leave at night.  I explained I was to leave at noon, and Magnolia started crying.  I got frustrated because I have spent a majority of the time I had with them, and I felt like she was guilting me to stay longer.  She was not being understanding that I wanted to have more time with Gabby and Guillermo.  I just felt like nothing I could do or say would make her happy.  I just want her to be happy that I came to visit for a second time within the last year.  It just made me feel really guilty and awkward.

We got on the bus at 7am.  We arrived to the water park and waited in lines for admission for an hour or so. By 10 we were in, my head was pounding and I needed water and something to eat.  I got a small water and a small empanada.  We jumped right into swimming and going on slides. My head really started to hurt more, so much so that when we were in line for tubes I couldn't stand anymore.  I thought I might pass out. I tried to communicate as best as possible, but I couldn't explain that I thought it was altitude sickness.

I sat down on a bench with Julieth. It took them awhile to get the tubes for the next ride. Once they did, Magnolia dragged me up the hill in an almost run, without asking how I was feeling.  The lack of empathy really bothered me.  Luckily after that ride we finally got lunch, it was 2pm. I was instructed to eat fast so we could go on more rides immediately.  I was so grateful for the lines so I could digest a little.  The bus driver said he wanted everyone back at 5:30pm, we were still going on rides at 5:15pm.  I was nervous the bus would leave us but no one else was concerned. The park itself was pretty cool, it was a zoo and a large waterpark.  The rides were a lot of fun, and if it was less rushed I might have enjoyed it more. Generally it was good once we had lunch.

We got to the bus at 6:15pm, and back to Bogota at 9:30pm.

We went to bed. Julieth told me how much she will miss me, and think about me everyday.  I told her I felt the same, and I truly do.

Ups and Downs and Silver Linings

Thursday night I spent at gabby and Guillermo's.  A 2 hour bus ride with Magnolia got us to Gabby's house at 1:45 ish. Shortly after gabby and I went to her practice. A three hour practice where the building had a cafeteria and I was able to speak to my dad, my best friend Mikel, and I was able to connect via Facebook with a special someone and friends from work. It was nice to be connected to the world for a longer period of time than I have been allotted since my arrival. 

When she finished we tried to go to Andres with her dad, it is a 5 floor steak house with dancing. I said tried because you have to be 18 and Gabby is 17, we didn't make it through the door. We went instead to a cafeteria like version of Andres and I got steak that was very good.  We went back to Gabby's and just hung out and watched big brother on her computer. 

Friday we went shopping and I got a few things for some special people in my life. The only thing left to buy is coffee!  We got some crepes and waffles for lunch!  Delish!

I was going to take a taxi back to Magnolias but the driver refused to take me.  So I waited for Gabby's swim practice again, this time with no Facebook. Thankfully I have that good book.  I did get emotional after the practice. I felt bad like I am always putting people out while in Colombia, the day before with the long bus ride and that evening with Guillermo driving me all the way to back to Magnolias.  There was a lot of emphasis on money in a conversation the day before, and some questions about the gifts I presented the day before. It made both me and Gabby very uncomfortable.  Thinking a lot about those things, and feeling like I was a burden made me pretty sad in the car.

Once at Magnolias she said I stayed out late without her permission as a joke, but it didn't set well with me.  She isn't my mom, and it seems she seeks certain emotional approvals while I am there and doesn't consider my feelings as much.  I can't get into too many details out of respect of privacy, but I felt like some boundaries as far as physical and emotional expectations that were placed on me crossed my comfort zone.  I don't want this to sound inconsiderate of my birth mother, I understand the emotional needs and wants of my birth mother since she had to give me up, I get that she needs some emotional validation.  My issue is that I didn't feel like there was consideration of how this pressure might make me feel.

This morning I bought 2 bottles of water, finally feeling hydrated. And Julieth came and rubbed my back. She is such a great sister.  I found out today that she loves painting ceramics, something else we have in common.

Growing up I fantasized most about meeting my birth mother, turns out I have gained the most unconditional love and pure joy from my relationship with my sister.

Learning and Bonding

On Wednesday I woke up and had eggs and arepa con queso, a much better breakfast in my opinion. Also every morning we have hot chocolate.  Que Rico!!




Tatiana wanted to practice more numbers so I grabbed paper and a pen that were donated by my awesome coworkers. We wrote numbers 1-30 and write them in English and then did the whole alphabet and did a is for apple and a picture of an apple ect.  This was a great start to the day. I am so happy to be able to help my niece and nephew get a head start with English.   Tatiana and I bonded immediately and her eagerness to learn has been such a joy. This trip definitely has a purpose.