And So It Begins

I didn't know when I would be ready for this journey, but I knew that one day I would just know it was time.  What is the journey I am talking about?  It is the journey of finding my birth mother, and going back to Colombia.  Ever since I turned 23, the approximate age that my birth mother was when she had me, my perspective has changed.  Growing up I felt abandoned by her, unwanted.  Being a woman of child bearing age, and understanding at her age how difficult it would have been to have in her case another child, I now know in my heart that her act of choosing adoption was an act of love.  It must be so difficult to bond with a child for 9 months knowing that the best for that baby is not to be with you.  Still at 23 I wasn't ready to search yet.  After all I have an amazing home life with 2 loving and supportive parents, friends, family, and a life that isn't lacking in any way.

So life went on.  I started thinking about my adoption and who I am as a person because of it more frequently.  The fact that I am adopted was never a secret and quite frankly could never be avoided.  I was adopted into a family in which it is quite obvious that I was from another country with my dark skin and different features.  I have experienced a lot of different opinions about my own heritage, identity, and who I am from other people.  Though this was difficult at times, and I often felt like I had to defend my religion (Judaism) or my heritage as a Colombian, I think it helped me live a diverse and nonjudgemental lifestyle, it also didn't hurt my sense of humor and wit.  

After graduating college I had the idealistic vision that I would start a career and be completely independent.  Well life just didn't work out that way, not only was it impossible to find a job in Florida not even considering what I might want to be doing as a career, but my relationship was falling apart.  Being someone that wants everything to work out I was holding on to something that was not ideal for me, in a place where I didn't feel at home.  Luckily I got accepted on a Birthright Trip in the summer.  Traveling abroad to explore Israel and meeting people from so many different backgrounds that all share their religion in common was really nice.  We all shared this heritage but also all had our own relationships with it.  The guide we had whose name was Lior was truly amazing, he made everyone feel completely accepted and loved.  The trip as a whole just made me feel more confident in that aspect of myself, more secure in my relationship with my religion.  Soon after returning to the states I moved back home to Cambridge Ma with my parents.  Trust me no one in their 20's wants to move back in with their parents.  Luckily I was not the only one of my friends to make that decision, and it was the best choice I have made and I still haven't left.  I am working towards moving out now, and I feel like there is just one more step before I can really do that....

A few months ago a friend was telling me about meeting her birth parents.  She is younger than me and it really got me thinking about searching for my birth mother.  I have thought about it in the past, and always said I would like to be fluent in spanish, or have a partner to go with me.  This July marked 25 years from the day I was adopted and something just clicked.  Now is the time, and I have to do this for myself and by myself.  No one else will get it, everyones story is different.  Doing this alone will empower me, it will help me in many aspects of my life.  I know in my heart that this is is what I need to do to finally have the confidence I have been lacking in relationships, and in my work life.  To truly be independent and feel secure I need to explore this.  Sure some of the potential outcomes scare me.  My birth mother Magola, not wanting to meet me, or not being alive anymore, would be the hardest to deal with.  Not being able to locate her is also a possibility, but that doesn't close the door on meeting her so I don't think it will upset me as much.  At the end of the day when I return at least I will know that I tried.  I opted to go for an extended period of time and volunteer in Colombia for 5 weeks.  Even if my search for Magola doesn't work out in an ideal way, I hope to come back feeling a connection to the country that I was born in and a greater sense of who I am and where I am from.  I am sure it will be a rewarding experience to give back to people from my country, and I am sure the experience will probably put a lot of things into perspective too.  I am so excited about this journey and I have decided to share all of it on this blog.

34 days to go until I step foot in Bogota Colombia...